we came, we saw, we said our good-byes...all on good terms!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, back to our regularly scheduled lives. Meaning, after 8 or 9 weeks of public school, we have made a mutual decision with the children to return to homeschooling. Which explains my huge absence from the blogging, emailing or socializing lately. This is BUSY. But wonderful.

You might be a little surprised to hear that I do not have any specific big horror stories to tell you, school ended up being, in general, about what we thought it would be-- but I am sure you can understand how much thought, discussion, and soul searching went into this. all of this. Much more soul-searching went into returning to homeschool than went into going to public school, if you can believe that. So I will attempt to tell our "story", but only this once. Then I am looking forward to this being as it always was meant to be, a Homeschooling Blog about our Homeschooling Days as a family of seven : ) I love saying that!



Well, ok. Where to start--it feels like the story started in June. We had a baby this June and moved to a new house. Things were horrendous. Terrible and terrifying. "carefully planned" c sections and postpartum helpers didnt make a lick of difference, really, once Daddy went back to work, (a week and 3 days after the surgery) I was once again, a paralyzed bleeding woman--this time with a severe sinus infection-- alone with five children in a house that was about 50% unpacked. Nightmares melded into flashbacks and heartbreak is the only way I can describe my world this summer. I was depressed as hell, and for good reason, good reasons indeed. I am sure hormones had a major effect but trust me, what I had "on my plate" was just unbelievable. Alone, astonished, and in major major major pain, unpacking the homeschool stuff was sending me chills of fear and yeah, everything lined up to send the kids to school...but truly, the only reason we actually did it was because they wanted to. They wanted to try it out. It was the last year they could all go to elementary together (Kindergarten, 3rd and 5th grades) the neighborhood was strongly involved in the school system, the new pals were all a-bustle with "who's your homeroom teacher?" and, in hindsight of course, the allure of being in some kind of group, anything to feel less abandoned, adrift, root-less, and completely without a support network or anything was at its all time high and so we went for it. The unknown sounded a tiny bit more promising than the known, which was sucking big time. I dont know a more eloquent way to put that so there you have it.



As I had warned Steve that they might be, from reading these kinds of stories on the homeschool webgroups we have belonged to for nearly a decade now, the grandparents were OVERJOYED. It is hard for that not to be insulting, but hey, we announced what we were doing wth our lives and it was heralded. A pretty good feeling. The neighbors seemed excited (although they were very impressed and curious and "cool" with us being homeschoolers as recently as the July block party and had loads of compliments on our children being "breaths of fresh air" in regards to their lack of bad attitudes, frankly.) everyone was all excited and so we got into it with the kids, too. WOO HOO! sort of.....a very tentative woo hoo.

A whirlwind (much too positive of a word) of dizzying work was to be done by me to and I dragged my wounded carcass all around that hot August, newborn, toddler, and 3 kids in tow, to get us "all signed up". The amount of foot work was seriously insane. Insane. Doctors appointments (no, they do not see your kids all on one day. No they do not give all the shots in one visit.) and shots, o my gosh who WERE we anymore, I am strongly opposed to vaccinations, but in we marched....dentist to fix Casey's teeth lest there be bullies who laugh at stain-y teeth, backpacks, shoes, hip clothes, lunch boxes, haircuts, alarm clocks.....then we find out there is a list of supplies we need to bring. then we buy all that. thn we find out it was the old list and they needed different supplies. Curriculum nights. Meet and greet. Faxing and obtaining records and certificates all times three all with mama still feeling quite cut in half and creaking and leaking all over town I mean, it was just out of control. I have never felt such an onslaught of such paperwork and rigamarole in my life.



This running around had a circular ironic effect of wearing me down so much that I became 100% convinced that climbing into a nice soft bed, Air conditioning, and Noggin/Nick Jr with my 2 nurslings was all I would be able to possibly muster for AT LEAST a year. I developed symptoms of fibromyalgia, including locking jaw, shooting bone pain, weak and immobilized wrists, electric skin pain, and yeah of course ,the good old c section incision adhering to my intestines and pulling my back tightly out of alignment....and establishing breastfeeding again blablabla. I was a M E S S. A fricking mess. I also tripped and fell and tore my rotator cuff and sprained my wrist when i was just 5 weeks postpartum, and with no health insurance, those injuries did nothing but stiffen up and add insult to so much injury. All for a little baby! Who knew?! lol. sort of.

My depression got so bad that I had secretly convinced myself that my kids were being "taken away" and that "I deserved it". There was no one to talk to on a true honest level because really, the kids couldnt stay here with me, and I didnt want to be talked out of or into anything, and so we all just hoped for the best. Although no one knew what that was, underneath all the hurt and all the exhaustion and all the wounds new and old, if you believe in Truth and Honesty, the best would be if Mama got all better and our family was returned intact. Maybe. Or maybe our homeschooling days were behind us now--several family members, both on my side and Steve's were very happy to repeatedly imply and say things to the effect of "Well, you did a great job and now thats over, phew, hooray, case closed". They meant well. But again, that allure of feeling normal, feeling like your grandkids are normal, that can be a strong pull. I understand. But I knew that there was a very real unspoken thing about not ever ever homeschooling again. I didnt have the energy to even deal with all that and so I didnt. You did a great job homeschooling but now thats over, case closed.

Except of course, the case is never closed when you are a parent. The case is never closed ever in life, as long as you live and breathe, and as long as hope and healing fact and truth and communication and intuition are available, no case is closed.

So they went. And I fretted. and I looked out the window, and my stomach burned. And my eyes burned. And I rested. and it was quiet, a little. And Charlie took a loooong nap everyday, and so did the baby. And I organized my little desk. And I balanced the checkbook online and in paper. And I was a great little school-mom. Always there to pick them up at 3:20, always there to walk them to school at 7:50, rain or shine, double jogging stroller full of complaining Charlie and squalling Eska. I hung up their little papers on the dining room wall. I filled out a calender and TWO planners with their incessant "events". I washed laundry more than ever, so the favorite jeans would be available and the gym clothes, etc...and I made the nightmarish perfect lunches often past midnight.

My own lunch duty went from a rowdy, jubilant, hot meal for five everyday to me reheating some little pasta thingie and giving Charlie some bites. Those lunches were really easy, hardly any clean up, but MAN was it lonely. Mister Rogers would talk to us in the background, in his sweet, sad way. After lunch, I would try not to fall asleep nursing anyone to nap, lest I miss the 3:20 pick up time or my online banking time. The cat seemed confused. Charlie seemed confused. I was lost as all hell, but just tried to ride out each day like a quiet surfer. I tried on the idea that i was now just like the other mommies on my block--something i had never ever known, and, heck, even my hair was dyed a sedate medium ash brown--but nope, on my block the mommies go to work and have 2 kids and blazers and pumps and leather purses and those fat little cars called crossovers--2 of them, both silver. So i never did get to be like the other mommies. Just as well. I would rather jam forks in my eyes, but it would have been cool to see another living soul all day besides the mysterious little old man next door who laughs to himself and shakes his head and smokes an actual pipe which fascinates Casey more than I like but I dont dare tell him Pipes Are Bad or else he would give the guy an earful and thats really rude.

All the excitement of our days of course was now concentrated into really bad time slots. If you are a parent of young children, you know how bad these can be: 6:30 am, 330 pm, and about 8 pm. yikes. The jamming the waffles into their sleeping faces. The crying (all three of them, almost every morning) the rushing. The stress. Then when we got home, the stressed out vibe was almost visible, so intense and so deep, the stories the deadlines the tragedies the triumphs but mostly, the confusion, guilt, and fear. Then the evenings--once a time of really awesome family fun, now come the tears again, the accusations, the confusion, the worry, the papers, the money is due! Its all due! Its all overdue! I was supposed to bring you the FORMS!.....tears tears tears. Most nights I was crying, too, and Steve was darn close--as the why did we do this again? For peace and tranquility or some such? dared not be discussed but boy, was it's presence becoming larger and larger in our home.

Now, as to the unfortunately very minor subject of the "education", (this is why school is such a failed experiment in general, how the education gets so lost in the flim flam of the extraneous stuff) the kids did swimmingly. A+, star, and happy face were on every thing they brought home. Hmm. Looks like the homeschooled kids are absolutely perfectly doing just right. Normal. Excellent even. Super! Mickey was bringing home some dear little spelling sheets, decided to use very beautiful handwriting all of a sudden, and they both got the hang of the new-new math within a week. All set on the brains, it appeared. Super!

They endured the MEAP testing and even enjoyed it. They said they were finished so far ahead of the other kids that thye felt a bit worried. Awesome! The teachers were darling, kind and involved. Yay. Seriously! But, umm, just as the vast majority of readers of this blog who are homeschoolers will begin to see, the little spelling lists and the little arithmetic tricks and the abysmal Science (Carnivores eat meat, kids! Did you know that?) and the semi-disturbing nationalist propaganda songs....couldn't that all be obtained in a MUCH easier, much more peaceful way, and in about 1/100th of the time, leaving vast glorious hours for these children to pursue their real thinking and growing time? To read about all the awesome things they are apt to read about, to build and write, to dream and plan, without Kenny or Freddy spitting in their hair, in any old clothes that felt comfortable, with healthy fresh food and water available--and toilets, too! Hmmmm.

Casey was the first one to blatantly object. He often came out of school crying and/or shaking. "Mama?" he would begin asking as he climbed into Eska's empty spot in the double stroller (she hated it and I would have to carry her most days and push the empty thing with the good wrist) "Mama, I don't want to be a school boy anymore." he said in front of "everyone" (strangers, neighbors, staff) Shit. What do I say? "Well, sweetie, lets just talk when we get home, ok?" and, like scummy bad parents, we wouldn't have the talk. Night night kid, your giant issues are not important to us! See you at 630 in the morning!

Steve and I blew him off for about 2 weeks. Might sound short but believe me, 14 days and nights of your own little son coming out of his How-was-yer-day-fine-can-i-have-a-popsicle shell and beginning to tell us all about how-was-his-day for real, and 2 weeks is long enough. All day Kindergarten was not right for Casey. 'nuff said. We heard more than enough and saw all the signs that this child was wilting, fast, and we pulled him out without any ado whatsoever from the school. We didnt even stop to "feel weird" about it and I think maybe because he was so little--5 isnt even "school age" in our state or maybe because the 2 big kids were still enrolled, really, the only conversation longer than 2 minutes was the one I had with my mom, and the consensus from everyone was that of You are the parents and You have to do what feels right. Yes!



Having Casey home changed everything. It was not lonely anymore, that's for sure, and Mama's rest time was completely Kaput. But yet I was ok. We fell into a little routine of him being the oldest kid in the house, and did cute ABC type things that he enjoyed from school, etc. We went to Kids Korner and the Science Center, walks and a few parks. But being tied to the house in a way, having Greta and Mickey in school, its not like we were "free" or anything. Especially since the sicknesses (which I forgot to mention earlier)continued. I had to go get Mickey three times to bring him home sick. That many children all together in those classrooms is very hard on the immune system, especially the respiratory system, and as the days grew colder, the mandatory multiple outside recesses really surprised and bothered me. Greta was pissed, to put it bluntly. She "could not believe they MAKE you stand out in the FREEZING cold like some IDIOT when you are SICK" (I love that kid, shes so hilarious and right-on) I just told her I was so sorry and bought her a new mega warm coat coat and sent her a hat and scarf and gloves and chapsticks and tissues and told her I was sorry again. Mickey found out that the only way you get to stay inside for recess was if you were in trouble and he talked to me pretty honestly about the temptation of that. What do I say? I dug out his warmest coat too and told him to hang in there until ---spring.



The children were coughing so hard at night I thought they would vomit, and they missed five days from fevers and malaise in October alone. On those days when all five kids were home, OF COURSE "Homeschool" was on my mind. It was on everybody's minds. "Could we do it? Could we do it? Could we do it?" was the only thing I thought as I doled out children's motrin, robitussin, echinacea drops...filled vaporizers, stepped on kleenexes, pushed fluids---"this is just like the old days! this is just like the old days! this is just like the old days!" the feeling was so palpable, but it took dear true Mickey to finally say it on one of the sick-days. MAMA I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL ANYMORE I WANNA BE HOMESCHOOLED I HATE SCHOOL HOW LONG DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS FOR YOU SAID WE WERE GONNA CHECK IT OUT FOR A WHILE AND IT HAS BEEN A WHILE AND I DONT WANNA GO ANYMORE I WILL NOT BE BAD I WILL DO EVERYTHING YOU TELL ME BUT I DONT WANNA GO TO SCHOOL ANYMORE

Shit. What was all this about I wont be bad? Was some of this a punitive thing to him? What does a die hard homeschooler say, do, what o what? (33 years of propaganda and pedagogy all booming in my head to the tune of dont let them be quitters/teach them to stick with something/life sucks get used to it kid/you cant always have fun young man/get used to gettin up early and get used to standing in line/give me one good reason why your voice should matter.......)



But somehow, in the swirling din of intuition lost and imagined grandmas pissed off and imagined neighbors offended, Steve and I offered up the meek and shaky "Until you can tell us what is wrong or what is happening or why you dont want to go, you need to still go, Honey." We felt very weird, and more phony and fake and distant from our children than ever in our entire lives as parents. There was less eye contact among all of us and I hoped in my mothers true secret heart that someday we would laugh about this all. I just didnt know how or when or if it was a Big Deal or not. Acid reducer is 4 dollars at WalMart, something I knew quite well now. Steve was on them too for the first time in his life. I wondered how many other families had pharmaceuticals at their dinner tables like so much salt and pepper, all in the name of the educations.



And still, time passed, and the papers kept coming home with the happy faces and the stars and the A+'s on them. And the anxiety grew and grew and the children...changed. Greta began to exhibit signs of becoming obsessively perfectionist, crying constantly (isnt that normal at this age? harhar) and becoming paralyzed with fear about everything. EVERYTHING. Lookism ruled her world, and even though the other fifth graders were about as fashion-forward as someone on week two of a camping trip, the pressure to look incredibly right began to take over our daughter's life, and her language and her attitude was really changing fast. Her and Mickey rarely played anymore, there just was no time, and even on weekends all they had energy for were tv shows, they begged us to not come to the grocery store and even the cider mill "I'm just really tired" and Steve and I were really scared.

A lot of racist and sexist slang was now being bandied about the dinner table. Homo, Rapper, Slut, Fart, Loser, Fat, Nerd were the things we got to hear about, and discuss, and Steve and I began to talk in earnest now. All night past the wee hours. All day on his work phone. Why are we doing this? Why is Joy feeling so much better now? Is it because the kids are away or because hey it was a postpartum hell to beat the band but the baby is five months old and sleeps like a log and basically Mama is Much Better Now because time heals? Hmmmmm

And meanwhile, the energy and effort was literally taking our family apart. The crying. The crying and crying and crying.

We got them on the 40 cents a day hot (cold and burnt) lunch program, we were "poor" enough (with 5 kids you had to make A LOT of money to not qualify) but there was only fried meat most days and so they often picked pb+j, and would come home telling me every single day how nasty and bad the lunch was, how they got only seven minutes to eat it, how they didnt get their oranges, how Kenney threw their milk away on purpose, how the lady gave us the wrong food, how the peanut butter and jelly had "clear stuff" on it (?!)......it sucked. It just all sucked. And I pushed the double stroller with the freezing babies in it, listening and listening and told them how sorry I was. I offered to make them home lunches again but apparantly you get teased for that and I think they felt bad about how much I complained about that, so they stuck with "hot" lunch. They were dinner-hungry when they got home and so I made dinner-esque foods at 3:45.

To say that the thrill was gone was certainly a true statement, and so the analysis had to begin in earnest. What was beneficial about the school experince-experiement? What were some good things that we and they had learned and done and accomplished? What were some benefits? How would this experience change our homeschool, what lessons have we all learned? What products would we like to use at home? What resources would be available to us if we did discontinue public schooling? Would be be interested in having the children go to just the "specials" as is their legal right in our state or would that be weird/unnecessary? What are the potential regrets? What would we continue doing i.e. getting up at the crackofnight, keeping a planner, following a specific schedule such as Art on Thursdays, and what of all that was merely crowd control that was irrelevant in the family setting?

Time passes, Steve and I discuss, a dear close friend of mine listens to me until her ear must be bleeding off, and still the crying, the attitudes, the stress.

And the report cards... Not the progress reports, but the real honest to goodness report cards: PERFECTION. Literally excelling in every area imaginable. Greta is a delight to have in class. Mickey is a delight to have in class. (even push ups, sit ups and jumping jacks got the coveted "4" mark) What do we make of this data? Is this the proof that homeschool works and works well, that our children are at or above all the other little tikes in town in all the suppossedly key areas, or is it proof that the poor dear things actually managed to fit in after all those years of Joy's crappy little makeshift school despite all those new siblings and new houses and heavens to betsy even all those dern video games (that taught both Greta and Mickey to read, but I digress)

I think it showed the adaptibility of happy well adjusted kids, and the general openness to data acquisition aka learning that was alive and well in them. It showed that they were willing and capable of following new and probably strange rules despite general dissatisfaction, and it showed that they were just fine.

The incredibly cool part now: Part One

When we decided as a family that yes we were really really REALLY sure that we did not want to go to public school anymore, really really really, we contacted their teachers. Greta's teacher responded immediatly, and was awesome. She wrote, "Greta has touched my heart. She is a wonderful person and a wonderful student. I will miss her deeply. With your permission, may the other children write her good bye cards?"

Thats all?? How kind and awesome! Wow. Of course, I wrote to her, she would love some cards. I asked her if Friday would be an ok day to come in and get all of her stuff and she said yes. No questions asked. Very professional, very super cool. As it should be, but you never know.

That Friday, Steve and Greta went to school. He was feeling a little shy but she was all gung ho--"Come on, Daddy! My desk is soooo messy dont freak out!" : )

When they got there, Greta's teacher, math teacher, and science teacher were all in the room, and although the word homeschool was not mentioned, they were super super nice and friendly and full of good luck and come back and visit and come to the Christmas Party and she got a big bag of cards from all the kids.

The math teacher came up to Steve and Greta and told them whata great student Greta was, often the only one to answer in class, never afraid to take risks or give a potentially wrong answer. She offered our family all the math books to keep and unlkimited help from her, anytime, now or down the line.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I heard this, I just browk down in tears of joy and amazement. this was so beyond anything I had expected, so beyond what they had to do, you know what I mean? Greta had a great chuckle reading the cards from the kids, especially the ones from kids who were not her friends at all but whom were obligated to write "Something nice to Greta". They were really funny. Dear Greta well goodbye Greta---in loopy cursive, all sliding down the page. She loved it.

Mickey's teacher never wrote me back or called me. I am really bummed out and surprised. He is still waiting for his bag of cards. (Sheesh, even Casey got a bag of cards and he hit the other children, went to the principals office twice and only was there 4 weeks)

Super Cool part, part 2:

News travels like lightening in our neighborhood, and by the very first day out of school, one of the big-wig Moms on our block made a chance to talk to Greta for a moment. She wanted her son to come get Greta to show her his new lizard, and when Greta got in their house, she told Greta "I heard that you guys are going to be homeschooling again." (I appreciate that wording, so much, not dropped out or not gonna go to school anymore, you kmow?) and Greta said "Yeah...." and the Mom said "Public school is pretty crazy, huh? Well, youre a lucky girl." and that was it!

Wow!

Super Cool part, part 3:

We were feeling less nervous and weird about this than ever, but there were still the family members to contend with. All of our friends knew now. the neighbors knew, the teachers and principal knew, and Earth still turned. But oh man, grandmas and the others, even though we have been homeschoolers from the very start, those 9 weeks seemed to give them such security or contentment, gulp.

Steve told his mom over the phone and she did not freak out whatsoever. She said you guys are the parents and you know what you are doing. Im sure public school was really alot for all of you and as long as Joy is feeling like she can handle it, I am super happy for you guys.

?!?!?!?!?!?

I am beginning to feel like my old self again, and my new self is geting stronger, too. This has been a time of tremendous changes, but all necessary and good, despite the chaos of it all, such is life. Next entry will be all about the A W E S O M E stuff we are doing and getting ready to do after the Holidays. Our homeschool was forever changed by this experience, and it was for the best. I am really glad they got to check it out and I am incredibly impressed with the teachers. It has been a wild ride, but alot of good came out of it. Weve got a real connection in this town, now, and tons of new things on the horizon.

Greta has returned 100% to her old happy self, enjoying lip gloss, rock n roll and making a cool outfit now and then, but mostly can be found cuddled up in some cozy pants among her infinite drawings of reptiles, her nose buried in a book. Mickey sleeps in like never before, he was really depleted by this lingering cough, but he has stuck with the beautiful new handwriting and doing all of his (home) schoolwork without fussing, which is a joy. Casey is Casey, and he is an out of sync little guy, but his mastery of language has gone from recognizing most capital letters to reading many common sightwords and drawing letters all the time for fun. He went from being able to kind of draw a scrawly happy face to drawing animals, scenes, people and I think we might have another artist in the family! We look forward to him entering therapy and hopefully that will help him get his right brain and left brain all lined up or whatever it is all about. He even takes a nap again, which has been very good for the family. Charlie is loud and funny and he amuses himself with things like dominoes and blocks much better than the other kids did at age three. He keeps us all laughing, even when he is being naughty. Eska is still a dream baby, revving up to crawl and making happy noises in her doorway jumper. Greta and Mickey both cried when they told us how much they missed her when they were at school.

Welcome back to Homeschool Is Love!