broken mama

Things are hideously bad today and yesterday.

You see, I hurt my back. And in this household, like I predicted on my Heart and Soul blog, when something happenes to Mama, just watch how fast stuff falls apart.

I hurt my back loading the babies into the Volvo. I am 73 inches tall, and the Volvo is about 23 inches tall. I have bad knees, a bad back, split and bisected stomach muscles and was wearing a long tight skirt. The hobbling effect of the skirt forced me to contort in an even awkwarder motion than would be necessary anyhow to place a 30 pound baby into the center back spot.

It feels as though an iron girdle is around me, with venemous snakes that pulse and shimmy thier fangs into my upper right hip. The pain is so bad that I have stopped taking very deep breaths and now have a tickly cough. But I wont cough because that would hurt too bad---I sneezed this morning and screamed.

But this isnt some matter of "have Greta help you out"--because this is about not only the up-and-down-and-up-and-down-and-up-and-down of parenting 2 toddlers, this is about diaper changes that Steve and I can barely do together, this is about Casey being so insane lately that I have "tabs" open on my computer that are preschool searches, herbs for ADHD, child psychology links, and anti-depressants-safe-for-breastfeeding........there is nothing that can be done with this child that doesnt take immense physical prowess---fetching him out of inapprpriate locales, the garage, the fridge, the scissors shelf, the paints, the poisons, the bathroom, OH THE BATHROOM......chasing him down from hitting and terrorizing the borther, the sister, the baby, the furniture---didnt I just write some huge blog entry about him being all good now? Pfffft erase that one.

I am okay laying and okay sitting. But to get up is PAINFUL oh my god and it takes along time. So what the hell am I suppossed to do?

The only thing that would help me would be for someone to come and take Casey for a little while. WHAT AN UNREALISTIC GREEDY LAZY HOG I AM TO WISH FOR HELP EVER EVER EVER EVER.

and SO i start to wonder about drugs and that hot patch thing they sell, the big sticker you put on your back? Steve works everyday except Sunday this week, so I can look forward to that....

Chiropractic is right out, as we have no car---and I can tell you from personal experience, to go and get an adjustment and then haul a bunch of little ones out to the car, collapse the big stroller into the trunk, go home and unload them all---well there went your adjustment, obviously.

So, I have no tribe. We knew that. I am stupid, I am dumb, how dare I get a minor injury, how dare I "fail", how dare I need help, I shouldnt have had kids, I cant homeschool, Im a loser, all that stuff that I used to hear is all coming at me now in my motrin-burnt tummy ache.

Somethings got to change. I am scraping at ideas, the only little tiny xmas bulbs that are going off in my head are, when I am better, to take a yoga or pilates type of class to strengthen my back muscles.

Greta does help and so does Mickey. and no it isnt sad or pathetic to help people. But they cannot change a poopy diaper and they are not allowed to discipline Casey.

Im going to go microwave my rice-in-a-sock. I don't even know if heat or ice is more appropriate but heat seems nicer in February.

In other news, we are learning about the Moon. It is waxing crescent right now. I never knew about waxing, waning, gibbous or anything so I did a worksheet, too, today, and I wrote Joy on top. The kids were impressed!