I am so sorry...I really could have offended SO many people with that last post. But I am not taking it down, it is important to me and maybe some of you, to chronicle the emotions involved in my life.
People whose children go to school are not being sold, and the purpose of our family doing school is not to have a clean house. I think the kids will learn more at school this year, and I think that we have moved to a neighborhood where we feel ok with the school district, even though we do not believe that age-segregated mass "learning" or teaching to the standardized tests reallyhave much value in human life, the kids will most likely have an interesting time, and it might be great and it might not and this is what we are doing.
I can be comedic, extreme, etc, and this is the side of me that got me all the readers in the first place. I never want to deliberatly offend anyone though, so I am sorry if I upset anyone.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
blablabla sell your children for that lemony shine
So, just who I am anymore? Who are we? I am so numb with exhaustion and defeat and shame and confusion about this getting ready for school stuff, I cant speak about it. There's the folks who are a little too excited about this, if you catch my drift, whom I cant talk to at all about my sadness and fears and complete loss of identity because they are so enmeshed in this being so wonderful and them never having bothered to get to know me or be a part of our lives when we were a wonderful happy homeschooling family, therefore will not and cannot and do not get what I am so upset about....then theres my homeschooling friends who, come on, are gonna think "well you dont have to do this", naturally....so I can gripe to them, but they are right, except, I do have to do this, because we arent a happy homeschooling family anymore, we are a jumbled nightmare of fighting and screeching and idiotic behaviors...exceot it isnt turly "we", it is Casey.
So I "reached out" today, at the doctor, and practically begged for help with him, and was totally blown off. If they only knew what a huge thing that was for me to do, maybe , oh I dont know. Myu principles, ym pride, my beliefes, my dreams, my plans, all gone gone gone, and I stand naked before these Big Important Institutions, I come to them and hand them my children, and then, what? What am I in for?
The loss of my family and life as I know it is --just--indescribable.
So I wait. And I go get my little kids pumped full of vaccinations, and I buy them liscenced products, and I smile and nod along to all the people who tell me how wonderful it is going to be, and how --I truly have no idea--clean my floors will be or something, home for 7 hours a day with *only* a 2 year old and a newborn.
Maybe I will "succeed" at floors. Maybe this is where I am now. A Floor-Wiper.
I just wish there was one person in this world who not only knows what a great and wonderful mother I used to be, but who knows what I dreamed of, what I was doing, where I was headed with these precious kids, just not so long ago, and then and maybe only then, will the pain I am in be slightly slightly slightly able to be understood.
No, this isnt about me, it is about the kids. An education, and all that stuff. Yeah yeah yeah. I am joining in the mass delusion that we give birth to hand the offspring over to the machine, so it can crank out good workers. Yeah yeah, pledge allegiance, yeah yeah, 50 th percentile, 50 th percentile, rah rah sis boom bah, oh how my floors will shine.
but somehow, some way, this nightmare will end. I will raise my children in the good and right way, the way that I know to be right, the way that me and my husband believe in, and the way that will nourish their spirits and help them grown to be themselves and to be whole and sound. Waldorf, log cabins, nature study, literature, God help us all , public school!!!!!and I hope that the incredible amount of running around I have had to do, the hours in the plastic car seat my newborn baby has had to endure, all in the name of getting the children ALL SIGNED UP (big harsh grin) is somehow worth it.
I am trying to tell myself that it takes a village to raise a child and that since my children literally have no outside support or help, that maybe this is what The Jonses Do and that it will be so cool. But as of now, I am just utterly mortified.
they start Tuesday the 2nd.
I have failed. This was never suppossed to happen. i hope i can use this year to completly revolutionize myself. i dont know what else to say. My homeschhol is a failure, that is what this is about. Every book on my bookshelf mocks me, breaks my heart. The emails from 2 counties' homeschool lists, the catalogs, the posters, our little cupboard that says "French", "History", "Music" on it....Do i sell them all for spongebob fruit roll ups' money, or do i hang in there? DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYONE WHO SENT THE KIDS FOR A YEAR, MADE THE BEST OF IT, AND THEN STARTED FRESH?
So I "reached out" today, at the doctor, and practically begged for help with him, and was totally blown off. If they only knew what a huge thing that was for me to do, maybe , oh I dont know. Myu principles, ym pride, my beliefes, my dreams, my plans, all gone gone gone, and I stand naked before these Big Important Institutions, I come to them and hand them my children, and then, what? What am I in for?
The loss of my family and life as I know it is --just--indescribable.
So I wait. And I go get my little kids pumped full of vaccinations, and I buy them liscenced products, and I smile and nod along to all the people who tell me how wonderful it is going to be, and how --I truly have no idea--clean my floors will be or something, home for 7 hours a day with *only* a 2 year old and a newborn.
Maybe I will "succeed" at floors. Maybe this is where I am now. A Floor-Wiper.
I just wish there was one person in this world who not only knows what a great and wonderful mother I used to be, but who knows what I dreamed of, what I was doing, where I was headed with these precious kids, just not so long ago, and then and maybe only then, will the pain I am in be slightly slightly slightly able to be understood.
No, this isnt about me, it is about the kids. An education, and all that stuff. Yeah yeah yeah. I am joining in the mass delusion that we give birth to hand the offspring over to the machine, so it can crank out good workers. Yeah yeah, pledge allegiance, yeah yeah, 50 th percentile, 50 th percentile, rah rah sis boom bah, oh how my floors will shine.
but somehow, some way, this nightmare will end. I will raise my children in the good and right way, the way that I know to be right, the way that me and my husband believe in, and the way that will nourish their spirits and help them grown to be themselves and to be whole and sound. Waldorf, log cabins, nature study, literature, God help us all , public school!!!!!and I hope that the incredible amount of running around I have had to do, the hours in the plastic car seat my newborn baby has had to endure, all in the name of getting the children ALL SIGNED UP (big harsh grin) is somehow worth it.
I am trying to tell myself that it takes a village to raise a child and that since my children literally have no outside support or help, that maybe this is what The Jonses Do and that it will be so cool. But as of now, I am just utterly mortified.
they start Tuesday the 2nd.
I have failed. This was never suppossed to happen. i hope i can use this year to completly revolutionize myself. i dont know what else to say. My homeschhol is a failure, that is what this is about. Every book on my bookshelf mocks me, breaks my heart. The emails from 2 counties' homeschool lists, the catalogs, the posters, our little cupboard that says "French", "History", "Music" on it....Do i sell them all for spongebob fruit roll ups' money, or do i hang in there? DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYONE WHO SENT THE KIDS FOR A YEAR, MADE THE BEST OF IT, AND THEN STARTED FRESH?
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Maybe I could Homeschool IF...: )
Some of the amenities that the schoolteachers have sound mighty scrumptious to me. Let me give you an example or two! Please enjoy this silly little passage and know that I know how hard teachers really work, etc.
Maybe I could homeschool IF:
The kids all showed up at 8 am, already fed, already dressed, some other poor soul left to deal with puddles of maple syrup, dripping milk, bubbly toothbrushes, little mixed up socks, and a tipped-over shoe basket.
There was a lunchtime, and it didn't involve me whatsoever, some other poor soul left to deal with food allergies, picky eaters, ketchup blobs, cut off my crusts, scooby-doo macaroni in the treads of their shoes.
Nobody would call me at my "job", no pals no solicitors no disgruntled family members...nor would I be expected to pay bills, call the electric company, fix the television, wipe someone's bottom, or change one single diaper. That's what my assistant would be for.
All the little darlings would leave at 3pm. No need to describe that one. Bye!!!! See ya next time!!
And then, what I really really love to envision: My Own Lesson Planning Quiet Time. Ahhhh, yes, the quiet sunny empty classroom, my desk, my chair, my respected and real alone-time, and not at 11pm with a baby hanging off my breast, but right there, at 3pm.
(Janitor cleans the schoolroom. Lets not forget that one.)
: P
Maybe I could homeschool IF:
The kids all showed up at 8 am, already fed, already dressed, some other poor soul left to deal with puddles of maple syrup, dripping milk, bubbly toothbrushes, little mixed up socks, and a tipped-over shoe basket.
There was a lunchtime, and it didn't involve me whatsoever, some other poor soul left to deal with food allergies, picky eaters, ketchup blobs, cut off my crusts, scooby-doo macaroni in the treads of their shoes.
Nobody would call me at my "job", no pals no solicitors no disgruntled family members...nor would I be expected to pay bills, call the electric company, fix the television, wipe someone's bottom, or change one single diaper. That's what my assistant would be for.
All the little darlings would leave at 3pm. No need to describe that one. Bye!!!! See ya next time!!
And then, what I really really love to envision: My Own Lesson Planning Quiet Time. Ahhhh, yes, the quiet sunny empty classroom, my desk, my chair, my respected and real alone-time, and not at 11pm with a baby hanging off my breast, but right there, at 3pm.
(Janitor cleans the schoolroom. Lets not forget that one.)
: P
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
My children are going to public school this year.
Well, if I keep waiting for the perfect time-slot to write a perfectly penned essay about this, it just isn't ever going to happen: so here goes:
Greta, Mickey, and Casey are going to elementary school this fall-- in a few weeks, as a matter of fact! What changes have occurred in this household, such a whirlwind.
Like I said, I will have time when I have time, lots of poignant thoughts and theories, I hope, but here are some facts to get us started:
We moved to a new town June 1st, and all I knew was that it was going to save us money to get into a smaller more energy efficient place, and that the new house was "cute". I had no idea, no concept that this was going to be some wonderful, close-knit neighborhood, truly 1951, where everyone knows everyone and they all watch out for each other's kids and are all involved to the hilt in the community, the neighborhood and the schools. We had a block party, I sit out on the front step and wave, wave, wave to all the people, and the kids! There are just gaggles of them, mostly boys, last count there were THIRTEEN little boys on OUR BLOCK, a couple of girls too across the street and behind our house, but the kids made such good friends with these children all right under our noses. While I was 9 months pregnant and truly bed-ridden, they were playing with all these children-- an entirely new thing for us, to have kids to just casually hang out with without some big formal PLAY-DATE...we just never lived by any kids! So it was soon "Can I go over so and so's house? Can so and so come in our yard? Can I go around the block?"
All this normal childhood stuff, it was all new to us. So naturally, the conversations of schooled-children that are very focused on What Grade Are You In/How Old Are You/What School Do You Guys Go To was omnipresent. It turns out all of the kids go to the nearby school--VERY nearby. as in 2 blocks away. So Steve and I started talking.....and well, we talked and talked and obsessed and cried and worried and soul searched and obsessed and talked some more. But we never talked to the kids-- we wanted to "present a unified front" or something. But then last week it just came up by itself, and it turns out that Greta wanted to go to this new neighborhood's school but was under the impression that I would "be sad" (!!!!!) And when I presented the idea to Mickey, it only took a minute of looking at the website of the school for him to say yes he wants to go and that he was "gonna get straight A's!" so cute.
At first this all started with Casey. He is so "ACTIVE"....that literally he had to go somewhere. Somewhere. Breaking stuff, running away, screaming, hiding, lying, it was him and him alone that were going to "let" try school for a year. I thought he would go to either morning or afternoon Kindergarten and I could teach the others then. But now that they all are going, I must say, WOOHOO!
This is all new to us. Only Greta has gone to school before, she attended nursery school, one of those drop them off and turn right around and pick them up types of deals, a couple mornings a week. It was cute and she liked it. I always have approved of nursery school, if a family has the luxury of it being just for fun and not for needed Childcare, it can be precious! the little songs, the little chairs, the camaraderie-- very sweet. It was school proper that I had and have huge reservations about, and still do.
So....why? Why now? What is this about? Defeat? Failure? Quitting? New Baby? Toddlers on crack and Mama a near-dead dishrag not capable of "teaching" anyone anything except how to swear and how to look 10 years older each morning? Exciting new adventure? New chapter in our lives? The Time Is Right? A terrible deconstruction and collapse of everything we believe in due to post partum depression and non-existent recovery from my c section of EIGHT weeks ago? No no yes yes who knows....but they are excited and I always said that we would "reassess each fall to see if this was still right for us" (Homeschooling) and this year no it isn't.
Oh, its all of that and more-- but the mood is excitement, and the luxury of not having to do this is palpable. I am still a stay at home Mom. I still have a 2 year old and a 8 week old, a household to manage and kids who will be home at 3. I don't see any Bon-Bons or hours of TiVo'ed Oprah in my near future. but it IS weird! Oh god this is weird.
So here are some background tidbits:
My mother in law cleans the home of a counselor at the school and i am supposed to call her and she will "make sure my kids are okay". Cool! I have lots of questions for her.
We are putting Greta in 5th grade, which she is totally ok with. She technically should be going into 6th grade, but we have been reassured that there are plenty of kids in 5th grade who will be 11 years old and quite a few folks have told us that this is a great decision. We didn't want her going from home directly into Middle School, if you don't understand why, maybe your middle school was different than mine was, but um, it isn't elementary school, that's for sure. From the academic standpoint to the social ones, she isn't ready for that and she knows it and we know it and so all three children will be going to the little elementary school right around the corner, together, for one year.
Mickey is going into 3rd and Casey is going into Kindergarten. I found out that they only have full day Kindergarten now and I was quite disappointed, I think that is "alot" for a little one, and yet...after lunch it is rest time and then before you know it they are home. And if any kid could handle it, its Casey. So they will all be gone, from 8ish to 3ish.
I am going to have a super duper snack ready for them when they get home, and will help them with all of their homework, I will walk them there and pick them up whenever it is decent weather or they don't want me to, maybe Ill be on the PTA?!
Greta, Mickey, and Casey are going to elementary school this fall-- in a few weeks, as a matter of fact! What changes have occurred in this household, such a whirlwind.
Like I said, I will have time when I have time, lots of poignant thoughts and theories, I hope, but here are some facts to get us started:
We moved to a new town June 1st, and all I knew was that it was going to save us money to get into a smaller more energy efficient place, and that the new house was "cute". I had no idea, no concept that this was going to be some wonderful, close-knit neighborhood, truly 1951, where everyone knows everyone and they all watch out for each other's kids and are all involved to the hilt in the community, the neighborhood and the schools. We had a block party, I sit out on the front step and wave, wave, wave to all the people, and the kids! There are just gaggles of them, mostly boys, last count there were THIRTEEN little boys on OUR BLOCK, a couple of girls too across the street and behind our house, but the kids made such good friends with these children all right under our noses. While I was 9 months pregnant and truly bed-ridden, they were playing with all these children-- an entirely new thing for us, to have kids to just casually hang out with without some big formal PLAY-DATE...we just never lived by any kids! So it was soon "Can I go over so and so's house? Can so and so come in our yard? Can I go around the block?"
All this normal childhood stuff, it was all new to us. So naturally, the conversations of schooled-children that are very focused on What Grade Are You In/How Old Are You/What School Do You Guys Go To was omnipresent. It turns out all of the kids go to the nearby school--VERY nearby. as in 2 blocks away. So Steve and I started talking.....and well, we talked and talked and obsessed and cried and worried and soul searched and obsessed and talked some more. But we never talked to the kids-- we wanted to "present a unified front" or something. But then last week it just came up by itself, and it turns out that Greta wanted to go to this new neighborhood's school but was under the impression that I would "be sad" (!!!!!) And when I presented the idea to Mickey, it only took a minute of looking at the website of the school for him to say yes he wants to go and that he was "gonna get straight A's!" so cute.
At first this all started with Casey. He is so "ACTIVE"....that literally he had to go somewhere. Somewhere. Breaking stuff, running away, screaming, hiding, lying, it was him and him alone that were going to "let" try school for a year. I thought he would go to either morning or afternoon Kindergarten and I could teach the others then. But now that they all are going, I must say, WOOHOO!
This is all new to us. Only Greta has gone to school before, she attended nursery school, one of those drop them off and turn right around and pick them up types of deals, a couple mornings a week. It was cute and she liked it. I always have approved of nursery school, if a family has the luxury of it being just for fun and not for needed Childcare, it can be precious! the little songs, the little chairs, the camaraderie-- very sweet. It was school proper that I had and have huge reservations about, and still do.
So....why? Why now? What is this about? Defeat? Failure? Quitting? New Baby? Toddlers on crack and Mama a near-dead dishrag not capable of "teaching" anyone anything except how to swear and how to look 10 years older each morning? Exciting new adventure? New chapter in our lives? The Time Is Right? A terrible deconstruction and collapse of everything we believe in due to post partum depression and non-existent recovery from my c section of EIGHT weeks ago? No no yes yes who knows....but they are excited and I always said that we would "reassess each fall to see if this was still right for us" (Homeschooling) and this year no it isn't.
Oh, its all of that and more-- but the mood is excitement, and the luxury of not having to do this is palpable. I am still a stay at home Mom. I still have a 2 year old and a 8 week old, a household to manage and kids who will be home at 3. I don't see any Bon-Bons or hours of TiVo'ed Oprah in my near future. but it IS weird! Oh god this is weird.
So here are some background tidbits:
My mother in law cleans the home of a counselor at the school and i am supposed to call her and she will "make sure my kids are okay". Cool! I have lots of questions for her.
We are putting Greta in 5th grade, which she is totally ok with. She technically should be going into 6th grade, but we have been reassured that there are plenty of kids in 5th grade who will be 11 years old and quite a few folks have told us that this is a great decision. We didn't want her going from home directly into Middle School, if you don't understand why, maybe your middle school was different than mine was, but um, it isn't elementary school, that's for sure. From the academic standpoint to the social ones, she isn't ready for that and she knows it and we know it and so all three children will be going to the little elementary school right around the corner, together, for one year.
Mickey is going into 3rd and Casey is going into Kindergarten. I found out that they only have full day Kindergarten now and I was quite disappointed, I think that is "alot" for a little one, and yet...after lunch it is rest time and then before you know it they are home. And if any kid could handle it, its Casey. So they will all be gone, from 8ish to 3ish.
I am going to have a super duper snack ready for them when they get home, and will help them with all of their homework, I will walk them there and pick them up whenever it is decent weather or they don't want me to, maybe Ill be on the PTA?!
My mom helped us a bit with buying them some "School clothes" (ah the zillions of benefits of homeschooling..sigh..) but they still need so much stuff, the supplie list is long and they need check ups and vision tests and lunchboxes and backpacks and shoes and...
For now I am not going to change the name of the blog. I feel that the essence of Homeschooling IS love, and although my love for my children is larger than the universe itself, our household is exhausted, stressed out, chaotic and cross, and I am stepping down from the one thing I feel the strongest about in all of my "causes"-- raising and teaching and learning alongside my little ones. It is humbling and sad but I also have no interest in doing anything else right now--no choice, really--my "tank" is empty, below empty, I am a cardboard facade of a mother and they need projects and field trips and lessons and adventures; so I will try really hard to focus on the fact that I am so so lucky that they are happy about this and that we live in such a nice and sweet little town with such a nice school so close by.
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