So, just who I am anymore? Who are we? I am so numb with exhaustion and defeat and shame and confusion about this getting ready for school stuff, I cant speak about it. There's the folks who are a little too excited about this, if you catch my drift, whom I cant talk to at all about my sadness and fears and complete loss of identity because they are so enmeshed in this being so wonderful and them never having bothered to get to know me or be a part of our lives when we were a wonderful happy homeschooling family, therefore will not and cannot and do not get what I am so upset about....then theres my homeschooling friends who, come on, are gonna think "well you dont have to do this", naturally....so I can gripe to them, but they are right, except, I do have to do this, because we arent a happy homeschooling family anymore, we are a jumbled nightmare of fighting and screeching and idiotic behaviors...exceot it isnt turly "we", it is Casey.
So I "reached out" today, at the doctor, and practically begged for help with him, and was totally blown off. If they only knew what a huge thing that was for me to do, maybe , oh I dont know. Myu principles, ym pride, my beliefes, my dreams, my plans, all gone gone gone, and I stand naked before these Big Important Institutions, I come to them and hand them my children, and then, what? What am I in for?
The loss of my family and life as I know it is --just--indescribable.
So I wait. And I go get my little kids pumped full of vaccinations, and I buy them liscenced products, and I smile and nod along to all the people who tell me how wonderful it is going to be, and how --I truly have no idea--clean my floors will be or something, home for 7 hours a day with *only* a 2 year old and a newborn.
Maybe I will "succeed" at floors. Maybe this is where I am now. A Floor-Wiper.
I just wish there was one person in this world who not only knows what a great and wonderful mother I used to be, but who knows what I dreamed of, what I was doing, where I was headed with these precious kids, just not so long ago, and then and maybe only then, will the pain I am in be slightly slightly slightly able to be understood.
No, this isnt about me, it is about the kids. An education, and all that stuff. Yeah yeah yeah. I am joining in the mass delusion that we give birth to hand the offspring over to the machine, so it can crank out good workers. Yeah yeah, pledge allegiance, yeah yeah, 50 th percentile, 50 th percentile, rah rah sis boom bah, oh how my floors will shine.
but somehow, some way, this nightmare will end. I will raise my children in the good and right way, the way that I know to be right, the way that me and my husband believe in, and the way that will nourish their spirits and help them grown to be themselves and to be whole and sound. Waldorf, log cabins, nature study, literature, God help us all , public school!!!!!and I hope that the incredible amount of running around I have had to do, the hours in the plastic car seat my newborn baby has had to endure, all in the name of getting the children ALL SIGNED UP (big harsh grin) is somehow worth it.
I am trying to tell myself that it takes a village to raise a child and that since my children literally have no outside support or help, that maybe this is what The Jonses Do and that it will be so cool. But as of now, I am just utterly mortified.
they start Tuesday the 2nd.
I have failed. This was never suppossed to happen. i hope i can use this year to completly revolutionize myself. i dont know what else to say. My homeschhol is a failure, that is what this is about. Every book on my bookshelf mocks me, breaks my heart. The emails from 2 counties' homeschool lists, the catalogs, the posters, our little cupboard that says "French", "History", "Music" on it....Do i sell them all for spongebob fruit roll ups' money, or do i hang in there? DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYONE WHO SENT THE KIDS FOR A YEAR, MADE THE BEST OF IT, AND THEN STARTED FRESH?
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6 comments:
Joy, I hope that I can be there and understand what you're going through. I went through public school and, let's face it, the first 9 years were sometimes a waste of time. I'd learn everything, do all my homework, and still have enough time left over during the day to read one or two books every day. I mean, I remember enjoying school, I DID well, I liked my teachers, etc...but certainly it wasn't the most amazing place for me to be at the time.
Okay, you also have to remember that I was in a dinky little farming town, so there were zero options, no "gifted and talented" tracks--one size fits all was their approach. Not a lot of imagination.
But in high school, my public schooling time was fantastic. I loved my teachers, had lots of challenging classes to choose from (we'd moved into a much bigger town when I was in 9th grade), had lots of fun activities to participate in, and had a great group of really wholesome friends.
So I really didn't experience school as some crazy mold-making institution. Really I remember the individual teachers the most, not the "rules" like needing a hall pass to pee.
But I also get how you're pained at the idea of sending your kids away to be raised by someone else. I have such a hard time thinking of doing that with Zari. So I don't know what to say. Perhaps just trust your kids' wishes, and let them know that you want their feedback about how school is going and that you won't be hurt whatever they feel is best for them. Sorry, I hope that doesn't sound too lame...
Joy, I DO very much understand where you are coming from. I do. I've wanted to homeschool for as long as I can remember. But it's never been like how I envisioned it, at least not with Josh. When he was 3, I was the assistant to the president of the Utah Homeschooling Association Convention. I helped put that convention together. I attended it. I learned so much. But all of this was happening as I was realizing that Josh needed early childhood education because of his autism. I felt like such a fraud at the meetings because I wanted so desperately to be a part of this beautiful world that I could see, but couldn't be a part of.
Last year I took him out with high hopes and huge dreams and excitement brimming to the top. We did a great job for about a month and a half. We explored. We read. We learned. And then it all fell apart overnight, or so it seemed. It was horrible because I was so sick, but I felt so guilty because I wanted so badly to be doing homeschool like I had envisioned. By the end of the pregnancy, I realized I couldn't do it any longer. Something had to give, and unfortunately the writing was on the wall for Josh in our homeschool. As I walked into the elementary school to "sign him up," I felt like all my dreams and high hopes were crashing down around my feet. I felt like I had failed in every way possible. But most of all, I felt like I had failed him. I hadn't been able to give him what he needed.
I still feel bad about this. He is having a really hard time adjusting to school again, and his teacher keeps saying it's because he's been out of the loop for so long, and is having to start completely fresh. Every time she says that it's like a knife in my heart. Tonight was Back to School night, and on one hand I was thrilled to see how hard they are working to help him move up and improve, but I was also horrified to see how rigorous school has become because they are all "teaching to the test" so that "no child gets left behind." How I hate that phrase, even if it is supposedly benefitting my child. School when I was a 2nd grader was fun and light-hearted. I learned, sure, but it wasn't all about test scores and homework planners and Super 6 math problems. I don't remember exactly what it was about, but it wasn't that.
Yes, I do feel in some ways like I have sold him off to the lowest bidder and all the stuff that goes with that. And yet, it is giving me the breathing room I NEED to regain my sanity. I still have Matt at home, and I'm doing everything I can to make this a wonderful experience for him. I hope to be able to bring Josh home again, but for now I just can't.
So, we get up at 7:00 to have jobs done, clothes on, and breakfast eaten by 7:50 so he can catch the bus to go to school, so he can sit and work all day, so he can come home at 3:20, so we can sit and do homework, so we can have dinner, so he can go to bed, so we can start all over again tomorrow. It sounds awful, and yet I also think he's thriving. He needed this as much as I did. This was a mutually beneficial decision, because we are both getting what we need. I am hoping that he can calm down soon so we can sit happily together on the couch reading books and eating popcorn together after school. I'm hoping that he can adjust so that we can get back to thoroughly enjoying each other. Hopefully next year I'll be able to bring him home, but if it takes a couple years to get back to where I want to be with him, so be it. It'll happen eventually.
Joy, I do so understand where you are coming from. Don't give up hope. It's only a year, maybe less if that's what you want. Maybe you could work back into it by bringing them home again one at a time. This time won't be wasted because you will recover and heal and become the happy Mama Joy that I KNOW you are deep inside. In the meantime, they are experiencing life a little further from the nest than you would like, but that experience may be what they need right now, too.
Thank goodness children are resilient. I don't want to sound trite, but just to say that they are good kids because they come from good parents, and school can't mess them up too badly because they still have you to come home to.
Hi Joy
I lurk on your blog a lot and enjoy your posts and honesty.
I know many families who define themselves as homeschooling families and send their children to school for a year or 2 and then take them out. I've known women who have done it because of a relapse in mental health, who find out they have epilepsy and can't drive for the year to homeschooling activities and a family who decided to put their kids in a French school for some immersion to a new language, oh and for pregnancy and new babies.
you can still define yourself as a homeschooler at heart who is on a temporary leave of absence. You haven't failed in anyway. It's time for a change for the health of everyone and when life is easier/different you can ALWAYS change again to find the new sense of family schooling for you.
Public school doesn't have to be every day all day long either. You can keep your kids home on snow days, beautiful days to enjoy nature, for kid mental health days and for anything you feel you are up to as you start to find yourself again.
Plus, some kids really love the predictability of school, the book work, the sense of community.
I always try to remind myself that there are positives and negatives to every schooling situation.
You don't have to compromise all your other values - like the crappy packaged lunches. You will find the other families in school who also have the same beliefs.
Hang in there, take advantage of the opportunity to rest your body and feel strong and the rest will fall into place..It can feel a bit lonely straddling both worlds, but there are families out there who do it.
Erin
mum to DS 10 who homeschools, dd 7 who loves french immersion school but has a terrible absence record because we love to do family outings, and two boys aged 4 who are starting kindergarden - leaving me with feelings of sadness and worry (twins in school is a whole other issue) - but it's the time at school where I can do homeschooling bookwork with my oldest son
Hope you are hanging in okay today. Thinking of you.
I did know of two families in Iowa whose children were originally homeschooled, then spent some time in public school, and then went back to homeschooling. In one case it was because the kids wanted to try out public school, and in the other case the mother was seriously ill. They transitioned in and out and everything was fine. So maybe you can go back to homeschooling when the circumstances are more conducive.
I guess all I can say is that nothing is permanent here. And your homeschool is not a failure. What you've already accomplished does not lose its value.
I think I do understand why you feel so yucky about sending the kids (your post title really says it). 5 days ago I took my daughter to the babysitter for the first time. She's nearly 9 months old, and I'm supposed to be attending classes and doing research assistant work for my PhD now, and I cannot do all this with my baby in tow, so she's going to the babysitter 3 afternoons a week. And I feel like I'm totally selling out, like I'm cheating her of a proper upbringing, like I'm being unforgivably cruel to her. I'm not following my instincts or beliefs or feelings at all; I'm doing "what I have to do." And I hate it. But I do have to make some money, and scholarship/research assistant pays enough money to live on and is WAY more flexible than a real job. I've created the best situation I can, I really have, but I feel like a hopeless failure and the worst mother ever. I didn't have a baby so that someone else could raise her. And while this "someone" is a very kind and loving person, she and I don't exactly come from the same part of society or have really similar beliefs about things like breastfeeding or mainstream commercial baby products or putting one's baby in a baby crawling contest at a mall. I feel like in 3 afternoons a week, I'm going to entirely lose my baby and the relationship we've worked so hard to cultivate, lose her to someone else who's going to mess her up, who's going to turn her into someone who wants bottles with BPA in them and Huggies brand baby shampoo. (It's unlikely that I will lose her: so far I haven't been able to leave her for more than 10 minutes because she screams blue bloody murder and the babysitter makes me take her back. But then not only do I feel bad about leaving her to start with, I feel like I'm torturing her AND it's not working out anyway so I'm not at school doing what I'm supposed to be doing). But I'll persevere and try to find better ways to live what I believe and my daughter will be fine. And your kids will be fine too. Don't be too hard on yourself. Take a step back and regroup and take another swing at things when you're ready and able.
I went to public school, in a town of 1000 people, and had 26 kids in my graduating class. It was a horrible narrow-minded place. And I hated school with a vengeance. It was boring because I was way too smart for the lowest-common-denominator kind of education you get in public school. But the whole experience did nothing to make me less smart. I made my own academic fun a lot of the time; e.g., after I saw the first Rambo movie I went on a year long research exploration of the Viet Nam war, a topic we never had time to get to in history class. Nor did public school make me less contrary and it probably only enhanced my desire to fight the man.
I'd love to homeschool, but I can't realistically see any way to make it happen as a single mother, so I find myself on flights of fancy . . . "maybe I'll send her to the Ukrainian immersion school on Central Avenue; Ukrainian sounds fun . . ." Sometimes we simply can't do what we want to, and we have to make the best of it while we work to change things.
This comment was lengthy to the point of being rude. And I'm just gonna leave it that way because I'm feeling a bit out of control!
Joy,
I don't find your post at all offensive. I do not homeschool (much to the shock of some people who know me). When my daughter's school was not working out, instead of homeschooling (even my Dad suggested it!) we uprooted our family and moved with three kids (one of them a newborn) into a better school district. I also (quite the minority in this area) vaccinate my children. I have my reasons and often feel as though I need to justify them but I don't. And you don't need to justify sending your kids to school. Strong women listen to their heart and do what it is calling them to do even if it doesn't appear to be the "right" thing to someone else. I will never be a homeschooler (almost got talked into it so strong was the pressure) but it just isn't for me. And I must say, my daughter LOVES her new public school, so what am I worrying about :).
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