....okay so, so far I have been completely honest with y'all about what we do. And I am realizing that it isnt sinful or weird and that nobody is upset that we arent crackin the books 24-7 right now. But the guilt and strangeness is still there---you know what it is? It is a LACK of upset that I am feeling as a grown woman, the utter LACK of stress and anxiety and fear and doing things for the imagined watchdog that has me feeeling so free and happy that I wonder if this is really it and if I have actually reached Enlightenment, Zen, and--dare I say it, Happiness, do I shout it out to the world like some big annoying born-again or do I keep it to myself like a warm little secret?
Hey today I decided to take a good long look at everfything that caused me to yell at the kids yesterday and do something differently. Yesterday it was BE QUIET! THE BABY IS SLEEPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today I just held her through her naps. Yep! How spoiled! The dishes sat very quietly and the baby was happy and the Mama didnt yell and everyone's domino towers got looked at!
I am telling you, I am so happy. We just live and love and hang around doing cool stuff. And I really am appreciating the baby and the roses are getting smelled and it is just glorious. As I sit here in snowman pajama pants eating triscuits-in-hummous, with a tall glass of fake Sprite from Aldi, dominos and children EVERYWHERE, I am seriously so happy I feel like pink sunlight is shooting out of my fingers and toes. If I could describe what we do right now it would be that I am truly, truly, WITH CHILD(ren). I am with them. I am here for them. But not in some innaproprite way where I ask them if I can make a phone call---no--on the contrary, I have been more firm and unapologetic about what will and wont go on than ever before. So my no's mean no and my yeses are true and happy ones--no resentful martyrdom here, and everyone seems so happy happy happy in there firm and known roles and rythms and habits. Peace!
but this was a long hard fought battle against so many demons, am I in a position yet to try and tell others how-to yet? Not at all. SO I can just keep up the honest daily reports and see what happens.
(To the people who have asked me about television, I promise my opinions on that are coming soon)
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2 comments:
Woohoo! I can feel your pink sunlight coming through the computer screen!
It's a lot easier to hold your ground when it doesn't appear that you're losing.
Wow, what an inspiring post! I will have to reread this whenever I feel like I am struggling against something in my parenting, to remind me to free myself from self-erected obstacles. I love all your blogs, Joy, but this one, especially, is an inspiration. I don't know yet whether I will homeschool my (currently 6-month-old) son or future children (I think it will probably depend on what feels right for each child), but even if I don't, your ideas and insights and pragmatic balancings teach me so much about parenting and life.
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